The journey

The thing about such a drastic increase in physical effort is that it not only strains the body, but the mind. I'm less than a month into school, less than two weeks into phase two of training, and generally I'm keeping it together.  But there are moments.  Cracks in the armor.  Weakness.  Mind games brought about by so much time spent alone running.

Wednesday was rough.  Yesterday I was tired during my track speed workout, but I made it to the end. Made a gorgeous homemade pizza for dinner.  Then, just as I was finishing up grading some quizzes and getting ready to go to bed, I randomly decided to watch this video for the thousandth time:

And I nearly lost it.  Tears down my face and a stuffed up nose.  And I know that, as a guy, my culture doesn't encourage crying, much less admitting to it so publicly, but there you have it.  The video resonates with me so deeply, and the reaction is just a small part of the process I'm going through, and I feel compelled to share the highs and lows of this process for those who may be interested.  The pressure I've put on myself is palpable and sometimes it isn't pretty.

Tonight at a coffeeshop I heard a cover of "A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley.  Loved the following lyrics, not so much sung as yelled in defiance of the hurdles we face in life:

"And sometimes when you're on,
You're really fucking ON.
And your friends they sing along and they love you.
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.
But you'll fight and you'll make it through,
You'll fake it if you have to,
And you'll show up for work with a smile.
And you'll be better and you'll be smarter
And more grown up
And a better daughter, or son and a real good friend.
And you'll be awake, you'll be alert,
You'll be positive though it hurts,
And laugh and embrace all your friends.
You'll be a real good listener,
You'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome, and you'll be beautiful.
And you'll be happy."

Here's a link to the song on YouTube.

I'm going to embrace the melodrama and embrace the experience last night and the song tonight as reminders that I'm on a journey.  It's a journey of faith and transformation, as much a product of my own hard work as it is of those closest who support me.

I'm still tired, emotionally and physically, but the journey marches on...